Ravings About Socks

It's been a while, has it not? (Be warned, this post is a little long to make up for my absence. I know everyone was really disappointed in my lack of posting.) I see that things are just as I left them, which is good. I hate change. Hence why I didn't vote for the not-so-smooth talking, quite smooth-headed, and thick-headed, politician who seems to think he's Mr. Universe and Mr. President all in one.
Now that you've had your first taste of sarcasm for the day, let's dive right on into a subject I feel most passionate about:

Socks. 

Ok, so now that I've blown your minds with a single syllable, I'll explain what on earth I mean by that. Socks, people, are so important.  First, they're the singlemost cause of irritation and confusion in this world.  Wet socks, firstly, cause great irritation.  Is it not the most annoying thing when your socks get wet?  It's like you can feel mushrooms sprouting up between your toes.  (You of the webbed-toe clan, please don't feel put out.  You could have mushrooms sprouting up ON your toes.) And they get wet so easily.  Spill a single drop of water on the ground when washing your hands? Don't worry, your socks will absorb it with sponge-like capabilities and then stay wet ALL DAY.  Then, if that's not irritating enough, mismatched socks. I swear, the washing machine has secret a secret fettish for my socks.  Even if I buy pure white socks--all of them homogenous--what happens? Somehow I am missing one and another one's been turned pink and I'm reduced to the embarrassment of mismatched socks once more.  It's an anomaly really.  Where do they go??  Is there some giant worm that eats just one of my socks each time I put them in the washing machine?  Do they melt? Honestly, what is happening?

And it's such a faux paux to be wearing mismatched socks.  It's almost like saying, "Hey, I can't take care of myself enough to pair up matching socks and wear them.  Don't date, talk to, or look at me because I probably won't be able to graduate college or get a job and I probably have credit debt." 

Speaking of faux pauxes that arise from sock problems--try wearing no socks with your close-toed shoes.  Social. Suicide.  You know it's true.  Try taking off your shoe after wearing no socks and what do you get?  People moaning like the apocalypse has come.  Or! Try wearing socks and sandals because you hate the look of your own toes?  Mockery like you wouldn't believe.  Well, from those that have eyesight or any sense of acceptable fashion sense. (This is not me fashion-policing. It's common sense.)  Unless you really like people like this giving you "the smoulder." :

Ok. I'm sorry.This man is probably really nice.  Also this is the most disgusting picture ever. 

So I found a different one...:

And yet I still want to a) feed him a protein shake and b) stab him in the foot for how much I hate his socks and sandals. Last try:

Ok.  She's kind of creepy looking but probably attractive to a vampire....And if you ignore the big bunch in the crotchal region you can look down to her...heels and socks.  I'm sorry. There's no winning to socks and open toed shoes. The end.

Hence, the social ettiquette of sock-wear is so friggin complicated.  You can't wear them with heels, but you better wear them with tennis shoes.  If you wear them with flip flops you might as well kiss good-bye a successful relationship with anybody besides the trashman.  (And he just thinks you're a fat tub because your garbage is 85% McDonald's wrappers.)

Aside from looking like a loser if you don't have social sock skills when removing your shoes when visiting a friend's or potential marital partner's house, something else is wrong with socks.

What is with this wearing-socks-past-your-knee-is-now-cool-and-not-something-nerds-do-because-their-pants-are-too-short thing?  I'll save my rant on hipsters another time--but really? I'm sorry, wearing socks up to my thigh is hot and I don't feel like sweating all my tanning lotion and other various lotions. 

So this is the part where I open it up for free discussion on socks.  You thought it was going to be another rant-like post on something mundane, didn't you? Didn't you?! Well. You were right.